Friday, March 30, 2012

A little dose of my reality...

Warning: I'm tired and rambling and a wee bit crazy....again!

While taking a few moments to reflect upon my prep thus far, roughly 13 weeks or so into it...on one hand, it's been the "easiest" prep yet and on the other hand, it's been mentally/emotionally one of the most difficult.

As far as the prep itself is concerned, yeah I'm tired and hungry and I hate cardio but to be honest this is the least amount of cardio I've done prepping and I'm getting more food than I have during any previous prep so as much as I complain at times, it really has been a pretty smooth ride. Physically, I am in the best shape of my life and while getting to this point hasn't been 'easy' by any's been (aside from my ankle LOL) relatively painless. Again, it's all a learning process of my body and how it responds to the program...for which I owe all the thinking to my coach, Joe who has made this prep (as well as my previous ones) as least stressful as it can be. Of course, fat loss is never a linear process so some weeks have been better than others and at times I do feel like I'm just spinning my wheels. In the scheme of things, I've made great progress and I'm ready to give it hell the next 5 weeks to really pull this show together!

Now to get a little raw and honest here...
where my mental/emotional stability are concerned, in a nut shell..Imma hot mess! Life has been absolutely nuts over the past few months, I have a lot on my plate and to be honest the responsible thing for me to do would NOT be prepping for a show. At times, I beat myself up..I feel like my priorities get so fucked up. I have a laundry list of shit that should come before competing but my heart is driving me towards the stage. I have days where I sit and cry, wondering WTF am I doing? Then I pick myself up and remind myself that if I want it bad enough, I will make it matter what! Everyday I make choices...and I can't help but think that I'm making the wrong ones as far as what is really in the best interest, in the big picture. I don't quit, no matter what, even when the smart thing to do would be to "redirect"...I commit, I'm all in...maybe to a fault to a certain degree. I've been doing whatever I need to do to be at my best on the stage, even if other things fall by the wayside in the process. The stress and pressure I put on myself can really be overwhelming at times and I see the toll it takes on others as well.

I am fortunate to have a solid support system to help me along the way and at times, save me from myself. Things aren't perfect, they never will be but this is the position I'm in and I'm working with what I have and doing the best I possibly can. Sometimes, I just need to slow the fuck down and catch my breath.....

And if you've read this and survived my insanity....this is for you:
Yes! That is a PB and Oreo Brownie *drooooooooool*

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