Friday, April 13, 2012

Getting a little emotional.

There pretty much comes a time, typically during the final weeks of prep where I tend to get UBER emotional.....

While this prep has had many different emotional moments, a few breakdowns along the way, moments of frustration and even moments where I wanted to quit...I have to say this week REALLY took me to the limit and I reached a breaking point today.

I sometimes do my best thinking in the tanning bed...please, hold your judgments for another time...kthx! As I lay there, my mind was racing and I literally just broke down into tears. Physically, this prep has been the "easiest" by far...from my training, to cardio and even the diet...My body has responded differently this go around and of course my energy levels are low and I'm hungry..that's to be expected but overall, I feel AWESOME...again, that's physically. Now, mentally speaking it has really been a rough ride. I can't help but continue to question myself and all the pressure I place upon my shoulders...I expect to be able to do it all and in reality, I'm not always doing what I "should". I set a plan in place when I won my IFPA Pro card in 2010 and I continued on that path towards this show...regardless of the obsticales thrown in my way...even those that were self-inflicted. If I were speaking to a friend, I would tell them to reevaluate their's not quitting, it's just re-focusing and altering the path a bit but when it comes to myself, I made a commitment and I will do whatever it takes to reach what I set out to do....I just ignore shit, put my head down and push forward...til days like today, when it all just boils over and I explode. It was bound to happen at some point....

Sacrifice: "the surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim"

Sacrifice is basically what it all boils down to. I am giving up/sacrificing this or that in the pursuit of my passion. I'm not just talking ice cream and cookies here...dieting IMO is not a sacrifice, it's just fuckin food...seriously. I make choices everyday, whether they are "right" or "wrong"..or whatever, but training/competing etc mean so much to me that I am willing to do what I need to do, give up whatever needs to get left to the side in order to do what I love.

I think a lot of competitors understand where I'm coming from and the sacrifices that must be made at times but where enough credit doesn't go is to the people in our lives who support, encourage and and in my case, make their own sacrifices for my happiness. I am beyond fortunate to have people in my corner who not only support my dreams but help push me toward them....
My sister, Rosie who has been there every step of the way over the last few years...through every up and down, words cannot express the impact she has made in my life. I shudder to think where I would be if our paths never crossed...I am so very lucky to share my life and my heart with a man who is by my side, no matter what..good, bad and even ugly. As a competitor himself (even tho our sports are very different), Josh knows what it takes to do what you love...He doesn't want me to just do it, he wants me to be my very best, to excel and that kind of unwavering support is priceless. Every time I feel like I am going to crumble, he has managed to help pull me together and give me faith that everything will be alright.

Life can be really fuckin hard, honestly..sometimes, it fuckin blows but I know that while the road is rocky right now, I still have a hell of a lot to smile about and in 3 weeks...yeah, just 3 teeny tiny weeks, I will be proud of how far I've come.

And with just 3 weeks to go, I dry my tears put on my big girl panties and I leave you with this <3

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